Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
