I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
