I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
