i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
