My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
