she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
