you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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