how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
