the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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