I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
