something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
