i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize