It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
