Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
ugly people sure do ruin things
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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