i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
