I am spending my child support on dildos
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
