the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
