how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
