chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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