I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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