i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
