just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
