We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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