Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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