You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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