I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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