11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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