I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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