I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
