True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize