Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
