you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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