There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Still dying that you shit outside
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize