well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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