burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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