She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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