This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
