I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
it's like iHOP with fire
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
