is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
