im six kinds of drunk right now
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
