girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
