just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
