Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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