I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
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