Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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