Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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