I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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