Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I think I just sharted jello shots
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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