I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
