I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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