Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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