I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
