Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
