my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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