I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
