in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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