I can tuck mytits in my pants
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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