Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize