I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You made out with two different species that night
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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