My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
