really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
